A woman across the circle nodded sympathetically. “Trauma affects everyone differently, Ryan. What you’re experiencing is completely normal for partners who witness difficult births.”
Ryan lifted his head, and I could see tears streaming down his face. “I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I love my daughter. But every time I look at Lily, all I can see is how close I came to losing Julia. How I was completely powerless to help her. I’m terrified that if I get too attached to this beautiful life we’ve built, something will happen to destroy it again.”
I slid down beneath the window, tears streaming freely now.
This wasn’t about another woman. It wasn’t about him loving us any less. It was about a man so deeply shaken by nearly losing his wife that he couldn’t fully let himself step into the joy of welcoming his daughter.
While I had been quietly wondering whether Ryan regretted Lily, he had been seeking help in secret—trying to become the father she deserved. I stayed crouched there for another half hour, listening as my husband opened his heart to a room full of strangers.
He spoke about the nightmares that robbed him of sleep, about replaying those terrifying moments in the delivery room again and again. He even confessed that he’d been avoiding skin-to-skin contact with Lily because he was afraid his fear might somehow pass on to her.
“I don’t want her to sense my anxiety,” he told the group. “Babies can feel that stuff, right? I’d rather keep my distance until I can be the father she deserves.”
The group leader nodded knowingly. “What you’re doing takes incredible strength, Ryan. But healing isn’t something you have to do alone. Have you considered including Julia in this process?”
Ryan shook his head quickly. “She almost died because of this pregnancy. The last thing she needs is to worry about my mental health on top of everything else. She’s been through enough.”
My heart shattered right there in the parking lot. How had Ryan been carrying all of this on his own?
When the meeting ended, I hurried back to my car and drove home as quickly as I could. I had to be in bed before Ryan returned—but more than that, I needed time to absorb what I’d just discovered.
